Eilene Zimmerman writes the “Career Couch” column for The New York Times. I was particularly impressed with her timely advice in her September 27th, 2009 column, “The Promotion That Got Away,” and I wanted to share some of her helpful suggestions.

1. You’ve just been passed over for a promotion you feel you deserved. You’re shocked, but don’t want to mishandle the situation and make things worse. What should you do?

First, calm down. You may feel as if you’ve just sustained a body blow, but you need time to put this decision into perspective and analyze it. If you’re feeling emotional, try to say very little at first, because you could unwittingly end up doing something counterproductive, says John Beeson, founder of Beeson Consulting in Manhattan.

“Your boss is probably feeling guilty and is not prepared to give you good reasons for the decision,” Beeson says. “Just say: ‘I’m disappointed. I’m not challenging the decision, but I would like to come back to you in a few days and get some feedback that would help me manage my career.’ That tells your boss you’re not giving up and you want more information.”

2. After you’ve calmed down, what’s the best way to find out why you didn’t get the promotion?

First, answer some basic questions. Were you aware of the possibility that someone else would get the promotion? How important was this promotion to you? And how is the company doing overall — were you the only person who didn’t get a promotion this year? “The answers to these questions will allow you to understand the decision in a very pragmatic way,” said Ana Dutra, C.E.O. of Korn/Ferry International’s Leadership and Talent Consulting group in Chicago.

Talk to a mentor if you have one, or find one or two people who understand the organization and will speak with you candidly about why they think you weren’t promoted, says Rick Maurer, president of the Arlington, VA change management consulting firm Maurer & Associates, and author of Why Don’t You Want What I Want? Be willing to just listen and not interrupt. “If you start defending yourself,” Maurer says, “you won’t get any more information.”

3. When you meet with your boss to discuss the decision, should you try to convince him or her to reconsider?

No. The outcome may not seem fair to you, and it could be that you really were the best person for the job. Maybe office politics played a role. Nevertheless, you need to consider the decision as final. What you want now is feedback, says Jane S. Goldner, a management consultant and author of Driven to Success: A 10-Point Checkup for Achieving High Performance in Business.

Asking why you didn’t get the promotion will only put your boss on the defensive. “It’s far more productive to ask what you need to do to be the best-qualified person next time,” says Goldner. Unfortunately, managers can be vague when it comes to this kind of feedback, so press for specifics. “If they say you need to work on communication skills, for example, ask what needs work — written communication, group communication, one-on-one? You need to know what to focus on.”

Beeson suggests you convey your desire to learn what skills you need to develop. If possible, speak not only with your boss, but also with senior executives you work with. “Ask them for examples of how you've fallen short,” he advises. “At the end of the meeting, ask what two things above all others would most build their confidence in your ability to succeed at a higher level. It’s usually one or two things holding someone back, and you want to know what those things are.”

Be aware of your body language during the meeting, Mr. Maurer said. Your boss is watching you to see how you’re taking the information. “Don’t get defensive,” he said.

4. How do you demonstrate to your boss and other senior executives that you’re working to develop the skills necessary for a promotion?

After the meeting, send your boss an action plan that reiterates your discussion and the goals that have been set, and that tells your boss what you need from him or her in order to be successful, such as periodic meetings to assess performance, Dutra suggests. “Managers love the fact that someone is saying ‘I need your help.’”

5. How do you manage your anger and frustration while working toward the next promotion opportunity?

Managing those feelings is vital, because negativity in the office can be a career killer, said Shawn Achor, a teaching fellow in psychology at Harvard and C.E.O. of Aspirant, a management consulting firm in Cambridge, MA. Achor studies the effects of positive and negative attitudes on job performance. He says that people who have a sour attitude begin to deconstruct their social support systems at work and lose their connection to co-workers. “Then they become the toxic person on the team,” he said, adding that a positive attitude brings more intelligence to a task, allowing you to see more possibilities and work longer and better with those around you.

Instead of dwelling on the disappointment, Achor says, write down a list of the things that are outside your control, like the economy or office politics — and focus your energy and time on what you can control, like your job performance.